Thoughts

fill up

in

meditation is like gas for your car.

while we need it to go,

we’re often in such a hurry, 

or running behind in life,

that we’d rather avoid it

and risk running empty 

than to stop and fill up

Author’s note:

Thanks to having set a pretty strict Mon-Fri schedule,

I’m really feeling the benefit of the weekly meditations!

But, I really am struggling to meditate on the weekends. 

Crazy how a schedule gets you to do the things you

value the most, and how easy it is to not do those things when you have the time…

But, this weekend, I will fucking meditate (at least twice)!

music youtube

in

There is one main indicator I’ve noticed that shows when I’m in a productive flow:

I start listening to jazz. It just happens. I first noticed it about 15 years ago, and it continues to this day.

There is another indicator, specifically related to music practice:

I search out YouTube for help because something isn’t working practice-wise.

However, this indicator has friendly fire enabled.

Because in a moment like that, I’m likely going to YouTube feeling defeated.

Something is wrong and I need advice to find a path to a solution.

You might find that path, but a problem like this takes a long time to resolve,

so you will arrive at the destination at an unknown time in the future.

Alas, having found what you needed (or not), you pack up your things and get ready to log off the Tube,

and do your best to quiet those unsure, anxious feelings about when you might finally arrive at that destination.

But before you make it out the door,

YouTube tastes blood in the water

and sinks their algo-fangs into you,

with a deadly attack of the flashiest, most amazing

1-minute musical performances you’ve ever seen,

because you searched “how to + on guitar/drums/bass”.

And you might think, God, I really suck!

Why even bother?

The moral of the story:

be weary of where you seek help!

Kanreki

in

With my recent interest on the relationship between life and death,

I’ve had the good chance to bump into the Japanese tradition of Kanreki.

From how I understand it,

Kanreki is a symbolic rebirth celebrated when you turn 60.

Perhaps my musical and personal journey is gearing me up for that rebirth?

When I think in this scope, I feel so relaxed. The anxiety to rush ahead is gone.

I’m so young, and there is so much time to embrace until I am born again!

And then once I am reborn, what will I do?

So many possibilities!

But perhaps I am being too naive.

Can an old dog really learn new tricks?

Can an old dog learn new tricks?

^ This is a terrible way to frame the question, grounded in prejudice and self-loathing.

An old dog.

What a terrible way to see yourself. What a terrible way to see others.

Where is this coming from?

What importance does age have in this case?

Why does it seem like we are always putting young age and old age in opposition?

Why when I look up the antonym of youth, the majority of words have such negative connotations?


I hope if I found this after 60, that I would still realize how arbitrary the number is.

It could be 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, etc.

There are a few people in my life who seek a rebirth,

but it doesn’t appear they think of it in those terms.

However you think about it though, rebirth is always available,

and I hope they realize that.

Though, to be fair,

easier said than done.

I have others yet in my life who think

rebirth should never be an option.

You make a choice and live with the consequences.

No change.

Ever.

How fucking sad :(

Without change we’re already death.

Not a natural death, which I feel is actually very dynamic and alive.

But a manmade death, which often starts rotting in our brains prior to natural death,

and makes us foolishly fear the thing we already are, or fear we will become.

Gosh I feel so stupid — so, here’s to stupidity!

And here’s to Kanreki!

Even though I think it’s better to celebrate a sort of Kanreki everyday,

I am nonetheless very excited for what my 60th will bring :)

Next project

in

I’ve had death on the mind.

Maybe someday I’ll fear it uncontrollably like a normal person,

but I’m fairly gucci with that ambiguously non-ambiguous finale to our lives!

I’d like to focus on death in a positive sense by framing it in more floral imagery,

or maybe more contradictory imagery? IDK but I’ll figure something out.

Lately I just can’t shake the feeling that death should be as beautiful as birth,

but maybe I’m wrong?


We’ll see!

But I’m pretty excited to see how it turns out.

I’ll put some pictures here eventually.

Author’s note:

Holy smokes!

I’ve been writing again, and I didn’t even need a smart phone notification.

And what I’m writing is coming from within my own head — neat!

Author’s note 2:

The thing that concerns me most frequently about dying

is that I could unexpectedly leave someone with a traumatic mess,

so here’s to a quick cleanup!

The "result"

in

Dang, bro!

Feeling pretty proud of myself for getting some things done.

I’m not sure what’s different, in fact, I didn’t even practice any music last week,

but I’m feeling positively optimistic.

Maybe I’m just getting better at setting priorities?

I'm not sure, part is even a bit skeptical about how I’m feeling.

Shouldn’t I be more frustrated and anxious given how I spent last week?

Hmm.

You know what, I think it might have to do with creating things.

I put it off, and sitting with idle creativity can be a real schore

Even though I’m sure everything artistic I did this past week is absolutely awful

^ That’s 100% how I would have felt before before about making things.

^And likely why that creativity was sitting in the noggin for so long.

Hmm.

I’m seeing a pattern:t you just do, and be present for the doing.

The “result” is the process and how it makes you feel throughout

Whereas putting the result in the end product has been a huge mistake!

Survival Rights©

in

we

are not 

afraid of AI

we’re afraid of not being able 

to survive off the things

that we find beautiful,

which AI is stealing

so that it can steal 

the survival those

things provided

us 

Is death a tropical vacation?

in

If life can be worse than death, 

so much so that some people volunteer to die,

is death never worse than life,

since no one who made that choice,

(or had death chosen for them)

has ever come back from it? 

Author’s note:

I’m not feeling suicidal in the slightest.

But the more I think about death,

the less I fear it.

I think the first few times you really sit in the idea of death,

it can be overwhelming.

But like with all great things,

it can be a bad idea to rush into it too fast.

Especially since I only see death villainized:

when we sit with our thoughts of death,

thoughts we’ve been told to ignore,

run in fear of, hold prejudice against,

to arm ourselves with every supplement

that Amazon could possibly sell you

in the fleeting hope of escaping it,

we are more rude to death

than death would ever be to us.

And probably it’s not even death we’re fearing,

it’s the people like us who might fling it upon us

in the cruelest ways we can imagine.

At this moment,

I believe I was born from death.

And I will die into death.

I’m not even sure how different this

‘life’ is from ‘death’.

Hmm, who knows!

I do know, that death scares me less than it did yesterday.

And the more I think about it, the more ready I am

for its assured embrace.

Ideas

in

Sometimes my ideas feel very heavy,

like I could never lift them.

The longer they sit in my head,

the more burdensome they become.

But if I can get any kind of motion behind an idea,

it immediately feels lighter.

An idea in motion eventually turns into creation. 

And a creation, regardless the quality,

feels so dang good.

02/23/25

in

Today was the most productive weekend I can remember. Like dang. I really managed my time quite well and did a great job sticking to the top priorities on the list. deep sigh filled with satisfaction

I wonder if I can do it again.

Challenge accepted.

Test test: take 2

in

So I’ve done this once before, I wrote something along the lines of “Hey! I haven’t been writing, but I will be!”

And then I disappeared for 2 or so years.

Well. Here we go. I’m back! Well, I think I might actually be back.

I’ve come to the realization that a big problem I have with my off-time is not planning how to spend it.

It almost seems counter-intuitive (at least for myself).

In my head, the internal dialogue is roughly, “This isn’t right! Planning is for Monday - Friday! We plan from first wink to last. We go non stop and planning means you’re working!”

Alas, my foolish friend who is also myself, planning is what keeps you moving for business AND pleasure!

It’s not one or the other! You plan a vacation. You plan your weekend. You plan time with friends and family.

You plan how you will pursue your off-time. Otherwise you fall into “maybe this”, “distracted by that”,

“maybe we can ____ this weekend/month/year” etc. and so on.

It’s a recipe to the most dreaded symptom in life: regret.

Here’s to planning!

Test test

in

It has been a hefty minute. The last time I posted was a while ago in what I’m referring to as Music Education Attempt #2.

I am currently in Attempt #3. Feeling good about it and happy to be here!

That’s pretty much all I have to say tonight. I needed to post something to get back into this groove.

Expressing yourself in positive ways is good for the soul and I’d like to find myself back in front of the typewriter soon.

Consistency

in

I have had a few periods of consistent musical study followed by a severe lack of focus (and a severe lack of focus is where I feel I'm still at right now as I type this), though I'm trying to put in the work to make sure that I trend back to my idea of what it means to be productive for the long-term. My first burst of productivity was about a year ago, and though I have thought about what led it to fizzle out, I haven't been able to hone in onto exactly what I need to do to maintain it for a much more sustained duration. Some areas I feel need the most attention to do this are dealing better with interruptions, being malleable with my time, scheduling rest and leisure and being more gentle with my progress (like remembering the long-term nature of the project and greeting negative thoughts when they say “Hey!”).

Interruptions come in many forms for me. I like to be a creature of habit, and when I am I feel like I can achieve everything that I've decided to focus on. However, when the interruptions start to appear I have found it hard to not only rebound from them, but to also view them in a positive light and manage them more effectively and empathetically. Maybe when someone hears the word interruption it's normally interpreted as being negative, but that's not how I'm trying to define it. Rather, it's something unexpected that detours away from what you were generally expecting to happen, or where you were predicting your time and attention to be spent. My intention is to be able to do well enough with my main study and practice schedule that on an average day I finish everything that’s scheduled, so that then when things do come up, I can deal with them comfortably while knowing that they are temporary and not actually disrupting anything in a grander sense.


“Being malleable with my time”, I notice this in response to days after interruptions, late nights that lead to late starts or times when I need to start and stop frequently and can’t hit a good productive groove. Simply put, if I can’t do tasks when they were originally supposed to happen (like starting the day at 7am), my brain sometimes throws out of the idea of doing nothing at all – and this can escalate. It just feels easier to have a regular flow, but having an appointment in the morning and not doing a few tasks to compensate shouldn’t discombobulate my flow as much as it has. **Being present for my fiancee has also made me confront this malleability head on. She has sickle cell anemia which means unexpected, and usually late night, trips to the hospital so she can manage the intense pain crises her disease brings with it. I've done a lot of work to make these visits a natural part of my life, and while I am much more comfortable and confident in a hospital setting, I now know I’m not a person that recovers easily from sleep disruption and I need to do a better job allowing the next day to have a late start, and maybe also an early finish, to catch some extra Z’s if I’m serious about this whole consistency thing.

** 02/06/25 As the author contemplates finally returning to this blog, the most inconsistent blog he has ever personally seen, he would like to mention that this relationship ended over a year ago.

When it comes to rest and leisure, well, the thing is that I kind of disown them when I get into a flow state haha! Because music is my major interest and passion, it becomes the sole leisure, and leisure time becomes a desperate, down to the minute management of free time. I enjoy video games, and sometimes I unnecessarily feel guilty of that – leisure is supposed to be fun! Video games are fun! And if I cut off something like gaming entirely, there’s typically a rubber banding effect when I feel burnt out and then I cutoff productivity and turn entirely to video games. It’s not one or the other, it’s both, and their coexistence is a great thing.

Finally, understanding that frustration, setbacks and periods of seeming stagnation are necessary for learning, growth and development. Mistakes must happen to get better, and a healthy dose of frustration and setbacks need to be welcomed instead of being seen as damning failures or catastrophic embarrassments. I am making my practice and study public, and typically only the highlights of this process are shown, but instead (and don’t forget – purposefully) the majority of my time will be spent showing mistakes, confusion, errors of understanding and a crawling pace of progress that is seen over weeks, months and years instead of minutes, hours or days.

Looking back, while it’s unfortunate that up until this point I have not been able to remain consistent with my studies, I am optimistic about the future and glad that I have taken the time to see what hasn’t worked so that I can make corrections moving forward.

Being authentic

in

    The only way I want to do this whole endeavor is if I can truly be myself, and comfortable being that person, while the camera is rolling. This is why I initially wanted to do absolutely 0 interaction with the Twitch feed while practicing and studying, but moderation means that I will need to take a look to make sure that things are kosher. I've attempted YouTube videos before, and looking back on that experience I can see how I adopted very generic and cringy YouTuber/content creator archetypes void of authenticity despite setting out to do the opposite.

    I enjoy my study days. Sometimes I'm dead focused, sometimes goofy, sometimes pissed off, sometimes motivated, sometimes ready to throw in the towel -- you get the idea, I experience a range of emotions that are all normal to have (I also go through spurts of talking aloud to myself nonstop, and other times purposefully keeping everything internal). The point is, I want to make sure that my words and actions originate from places of genuine interest and not to serve the potentiality of who might be watching or what might keep someone watching.

    I suppose how I spend my time each day will naturally change as I continue down the path of musical education, but it's important for me to make sure that I'm working as hard as I can. Like assigning time appropriately according to my goals, being open to changing things that aren't working, deciding if an area needs more or less of my time, rethinking priorities and being able to leave my comfort zone when necessary. I don't want to change anything because of trolls, reading comments*, or if facing my own insecurity of embarrassing myself publicly while trying to learn a new thing.

    I (gosh, how many paragraphs am I going to start with “I”) know the camera is there. The setup of my music room is designed to present a fly-on-the-wall perspective of a non-musical person's evolution into a more musically inclined one. It's a research experiment/music education I've set up for myself where the camera is supposed to play 2 main roles: accountability and audience. My time already spent recording live streams in the past has been pretty authentic, though looking back I do recognize moments when I spent more or less time on activities to either boost my self-image or avoid dramatic embarrassment when struggling with challenging tasks.

    But the thing is, the biggest leaps in growth come from the worst mistakes! As an example, I like skateboarding, but you can't get better at skateboarding without taking nasty falls and breaking bones, and as someone who can't afford to break any bones, I'm fine with not taking that level of risk and being mostly a digital skateboarding consumer. However, I cannot have that mentality when it comes to music. Instead, when it comes to music, I will be taking the nastiest metaphorical diggers when it comes to attempting new grooves, theory, playing techniques, etc. As I write, this all seems like an obvious truth, but I do know that I have had moments where I feel self conscious and it's important to be ready for those moments and capable of confronting that insecurity in a healthy way.

    The goal is not to turn myself into an emotionless stoic, but rather recognize and grow familiar with my insecurities while putting in the honest work to understand where feelings like that are coming from and what it means to address them (largely in order to avoid losing my authentic self, or the self that I aspire to be). I suppose an additional aspect I've touched on is also staying true to myself and not turning into what I think a potential viewer would be interested in, or putting weight into negativity that can find it's way into the chat and letting that compound other thoughts that might already be lingering in my head.

*I didn't look at the Twitch chat at all during my first go at live streaming, but if the audience grows at all I believe that I will need to take some quick peaks at it for general moderation. Up to this point, I've only really seen like one mean comment, but one can be enough if you decide to put any weight into what it says. But at the same time, I must not forget that there are also advantages to looking at chat, like how most people are very positive and encouraging and how experienced musicians share helpful advice and give meaningful, constructive criticism and feedback.