Mantras and Affirmations

If you can look look past the tiny wrist, you’ll see a very large Apple watch. That’s not the important part, but if you see that, your eye is in the right spot.

The important part is the mantra. Well, ackshually, they are lyrics from a Her’s song that I find to be the perfect mantra for living life.

I’ve recently been introduced to daily mantras, and I hope to come up with some good ones on my own for various situations to help guide me through the day. Affirmations are similar, and I get some great ones by using the How We Feel app.

Song

Ready 4 a new week anxiety

I’m going to have a think about what this new week anxiousness is made up of.

It’s kinda like no matter how the previous week ended, or the weekend has gone,

I still get a pit in my stomach as another week of practice is about to begin.

I suppose this can be a good thing, but I do feel like there is some stuff in there that needs a deliberate looking at.

I’m gonna do that right now!

I gotta stop spoiling a great week and a nice weekend with some overlooked emotions.

I gotta sort things out if they’re gonna be sorted.

I am just trying to start as many sentences as I can with I.

I have been out of ideas for a while, but I really just want to keep the I train going.

I am done!

I am out.

Edit: 1) I did good. I started working on that right after typing the first draft :)

2) I also really appreciated what I read today in The Gifts of Imperfection related to spirituality, and how

finding inspiration in the truth that everyone struggles and has imperfections brings us together, unites us.

Impromptu shame vacation

Wednesday was challenging. I was fighting myself.

The night before I had been practicing a song, and for some reason my feet weren’t agreeing with my brain. This disagreement made me spiral. What I now realize is that I was experiencing shame. I felt unworthy to play music. I felt like a fraud. An imposter. And above all, a complete waster of my time and an idiot for thinking I could play music. My response to that was to stay up late, face planted hard into the YouTube algorithm with fistfuls of M&Ms.

Though Wednesday was difficult, I was able to look inward enough to open a book. Serendipitously, I found myself reading about the role of shame in a person’s life and how to counter it. I didn’t understand shame prior that day, at least not how shame affected myself personally, but as of today I’m working on shame resilience and developing strategies to put my shame in the open so that those events are minimized. I know this path won’t be easy, but it feels liberating, and I look to forward to honing those skills and building connections.

Thursday was less challenging. I was motivated to read, but honestly the work was leaving me too drained to do much else. I’m proud of myself for how deliberately I read and the amount of energy I spent to really digest the words on the page and my relationship to them.

Friday was primarily recovery. I read in the morning and then took an afternoon walk. After getting back, I did have a brief thought of taking the rest of the week off, but I knew that wasn’t what I really wanted to do. I am ready to return tomorrow. I also practiced the song that set this whole chain of events in motion, and though still a bit sloppy, I was able to play it nearly to tempo.

I need to develop better strategies moving forward to remember that not being able to play something does not equate to being a bad musician. I need to become more comfortable sharing moments like that with people close to me so that the shame cannot set like concrete in my body, and leave me handicapped for days while I hope to find a jackhammer somewhere in between the wallowing.

I’ve got work to do, but I’m eager to do it. It won’t be easy, but there is such a big payoff waiting if I do, and I believe I have the courage necessary to do it.

Jeepers

I am really trying to read through The Gifts of Imperfection, but my god, either I have reached a place where these topics are able to land clean hits on my soul, or Brene Brown just knows how to communicate them in a way that profoundly resonates with me.

Either way, as long as I'm putting in the effort, I'm going where I need to go. 

You can't rush an education, and shouldn't I be well aware of that with all my music practice lmao. 

Edit: Massive thanks to my therapist for suggesting the book. I told her in our first session that I felt like I was playing a wack-a-mole game of self-guided self-improvement, and she goes off and offers the book of a lifetime. Much appreciated, Michelle.

BEHIND THE SCENES: shoe nonsense to bore you to death

People often ask me, how do you do all the practice and not burn out?

Well I’ll tell you: 2 pairs of shoes.

Yeah I’m just shitting you, but there are 2 pairs of shoes I use each day,

and it’s one of the best accidents I’ve ever made!

Last summer, for whatever reason, I really wanted a white shoe.

Sometimes you just want a white shoe, and there’s nothing your consumer brain can do to stop it.

So I ordered two sizes, with plans to return one. However, lazy hits when lazy hits,

and I forgot to return the size that didn’t fit goodly enough (it was a lil snug, you know).

Well, one day I just decided, let’s try that not good enough shoe as our drumming shoe,

and what a marvelous choice that was! It was marvelous because I was wearing some

dang hiking shoe as my drumming shoes up until that point, and I had no idea how much sensitivity

I was losing on the kick and hi-hat pedal because of that. With my white tennies, it was wearing nothing

on my feet compared to those clonky hikers, and holy shit, it felt good!

Anyways, as happens with impulse purchases, I didn’t care for the white shoe I was wearing outside.

Didn’t want to wear them outside any longer. At the same time, I was getting some tired legs from the

recently designated indoor/house shoe, but it was just too small to fit in my regular insoles. SO I cranked

my big boy brain up to 11, washed the white shoe I was wearing outside, since it was a half size larger put

in the insole support, and wore that for all things practice EXCEPT drumming. AND WOW. It really helped!

So yeah, now you know! This was a behind the scenes look at my Road to Musician, shoes edition!

Lesson learned: I don’t think I’m a white shoe guy.

Lesson 2 learned: Don’t wear clonky hiking shoes when drumming.

Lesson 3: Get insole support.

Lesson 4: Also stretch each day before practice, that probably also helped a lot.

Lesson 5: I also got a standing/wobble stool kinda thing so I can sit at times, that probably also helped a lot.

Lesson 6: Try not to change several variables at once, makes it hard to pinpoint causation.

Enjoy the shoe picture!

Feeling gucci.

Things are feeling good.

I’m feeling good about my music,

I’m feeling good about who I am,

I’m feeling good about how I’m using my free time.

I think I’m feeling this way in part because:

I’m working hard on music.

I’m working hard on who I am,

I’m working hard to figure out how to use my free time.

I think feeling this way is pretty good,

so I’m gonna continue doing these things that make me feel good.

Edit: After writing this I did some journaling, and the topic was vulnerability. The idea of creating a foundation of vulnerability to then share my authentic self, and to then foster connections through my vulnerability, sounds so dang good. I’ve really got my work cut out for me, but I’m so excited to start! I didn’t even know this path existed a few hours ago, and now I’m so thankful to be on it.

HIP FLEXORS

I’ve heard about activating your hip flexors in it comes to kick pedal technique drumming,

and holy fucking shit, I’m actually feeling it!

On my last practice day last week, I adjusted my kick pedal, and it actually left me a bit bummed for the weekend

because it didn’t immediately feel right, and I thought I had made a mistake that would haunt me for days to come.

However, when I came back on Monday, it felt good, and it’s only been feeling better everyday this week!

Let’s go right foot, let’s rock this shit!

Notebook trap

I realized today,

that these little notebooks I carry around to write fleeting thoughts and to-dos to do later in,

have actually been a kind of trap for me…

You see,

I jot everything down, so much stuff, most of it junk,

but I rarely do anything with what’s written.

Even my to-dos, they just sit on those little pages collecting dust,

or honestly, getting written and doodled over by other nonsense lmao.

But anyways, as I opened my calendar app today while practicing,

I realized, I gotta put stuff in the calendar if I want to get it done!
Like it’s so effing obvious, but I was so blind to this fact.

If you want to do something: you need to schedule time to do it.

So what I’m doing now, is keeping my calendar open on today’s date and having 1-3 priorities to do outside of practice. I can’t even doodle over these events lol, they just stare me back in the face when I would otherwise avoid them like the plague.

Anyways, maybe I should just get an agenda. Agendas make so much more sense now.

Not regularly scheduled, the worst kind of not regularly scheduled

My heart is hurting a bit.

A romantic situation in a precarious state.

I am still managing to pursue my music schedule, expanding my self work, and feeling quite energized!

Oof, at night though, too energized.

My appetite is low.

The forecast for my mind’s eye has been cloudy, at times so cloudy. Where’s the sun!?

But I know, clear skies will return for me. So will that sun ^

I will not take this personally, except for the things that I must if I want to continue to grow.

Nothing and no one here belonged to me, and I can accept that.

The space around me is safe, I am surrounded by loved ones, and any serious worries are not within sight.

I take deep, measured breaths and I calm down a bit.

But I still wait for the sound of that text that won’t be sent.

Update while writing: my session with a therapist was scheduled for Monday!

I’m very excited. I’ve been trying to solo-trek my way to a better person,

and it’s clear to me that I need assistance if I’m going to make some real gains.

Onward! To a better person and a brighter future.

Becoming a structured person outside of my structured practice

Somehow, over the course of a few years,

I have constructed a music practice schedule that I follow to a T,

starting from a couple hours a day, to what is now nearly half the day.

When I’m within this schedule, time and stress is minimized.

What many people view as a ridiculous amount of practice,

typically feels short and inconsequential.

Why?

Because it’s such an entrenched routine at this point.

I just do it, and I typically enjoy it.

It’s exhausting in the best way possible.

Where I really continue to struggle is outside of practice time.

At times I feel lost and forget all the tools for discipline I’ve adopted.

I use food to eat away at and avoid what to use the rest of my time with.

I routinely find myself in front of digital screen letting an algorithm decide

how my attention will be divided instead of letting my own intention

guide me to meaningful sources of entertainment and relaxation.

ANYWAYS.

Why am I sharing all of this? There is a reason.

The reason is I’m done with all that.

I have been doing work on topics like boundary setting,

emotional literacy, mindfulness, understanding

addictive tendencies, healthy habits, and personal philosophy.

I have been learning about myself, opening myself up,

and preparing to do the work to create a person

I am really satisfied living with full-time.

That work won’t ever stop,

but that doesn’t mean I’m not ready to start applying

what I’ve learned and take action now.

I am as in control as I want to be.

I am doing this.

In control

Apparently the last time I wrote here, some time in August,

I was feeling outside of control.

In the preceding spring, that control was lost because I didn’t have boundaries set regarding my time,

and helped coach a youth soccer team with my brothers. I knew from the start that

it was not a good idea, it drained me completely, and my music ambitions suffered as a result.

People often ask how the music practice doesn’t burn me out, but if anything,

the music practice rejuvenates me. It feeds my soul. It’s the thing giving me meaning above most others.

Rather, it’s been my inability to set boundaries outside of practice that leads to my downfalls.

Khanyways, I managed to make it through soccer season with this music project on life support.

So like any smart person, I though, let’s start dating! And the fuck, I found someone who I really enjoyed

spending time with and found myself extending past the boundaries I was setting, and again, finding

that I was edging myself closer and closer to a burnout.

But I’m happy to announce that by this point I had matured enough to recognize some underlying issues,

and began to address them more earnestly than I had at any point in the past. I worked on understanding

where my emotions were coming from and how to recognize and speak to them (instead of running away

from them, ignoring them, or feeling ashamed by them). And I took a big step in finally addressing what my

issues with boundaries were, and have been investing the resources in order to build that bridge,

and build it really fucking good!

I’m feeling back in control. I’m feeling musical. I’m feeling me.

I’m feeling like I’m learning musically and personally, and that is one hell of a combination!

Fuck yea, boi!

Write down the key

Pro tip: write stuff down.

For example, if doing scale exercises, write down the key you’re in or you might forget!

If you do forget, you might begin to fear that you’ve been doing the same exercise wrong for several months.

All the while, your cup of coffee is getting cold, and my god it tastes so much better when it’s warm!

You might be able to avoid this experience if you write down the key you’re in!

Speed

Gosh, I have really, painfully noticed that I am not going easy on myself with my kick pedal speed.

I’m actually very proud of what I can do with my feet on the drums,

I can play everything kick intensive I’ve learned at goal tempo, and I’ve ventured into learning songs that require feet.

But a pernicious thought has manifested in my head, that I don’t need to grind the slow tempos like before.

Instead I’ve been rushing to goal tempo and spending only a few brief moments building up to competency at full speed.

Often, this results in me finding the right feel for a day, or for a specific block of practice, before losing it.

Then I get really fucking frustrated and upset at myself, question if I’m wasting my time, and re-arrange 10 things at once, which results in a big mess and a good chunk of time cleaning up.

Breathe.

If you can play something slow.

If you can really play it slow, you can play it fast.

So instead of moving on once you hit goal tempo, instead of grinding like an idiot until you hit an arbitrary number,

grind until you can feel it, grind until you understand it, and then coast on it.

Take your foot off the gas, revisit it, and take it easy if you really want to understand what’s under the hood.

I hope I understand what I’m writing :D

Author’s note added June 22 2025: Feet are feeling much better! It took some serious patience and meditation, but I made some changes that have my feet feeling intact! Will this positive feeling of feetability continue? Time will tell!

fill up

meditation is like gas for your car.

while we need it to go,

we’re often in such a hurry, 

or running behind in life,

that we’d rather avoid it

and risk running empty 

than to stop and fill up

Author’s note:

Thanks to having set a pretty strict Mon-Fri schedule,

I’m really feeling the benefit of the weekly meditations!

But, I really am struggling to meditate on the weekends. 

Crazy how a schedule gets you to do the things you

value the most, and how easy it is to not do those things when you have the time…

But, this weekend, I will fucking meditate (at least twice)!

music youtube

There is one main indicator I’ve noticed that shows when I’m in a productive flow:

I start listening to jazz. It just happens. I first noticed it about 15 years ago, and it continues to this day.

There is another indicator, specifically related to music practice:

I search out YouTube for help because something isn’t working practice-wise.

However, this indicator has friendly fire enabled.

Because in a moment like that, I’m likely going to YouTube feeling defeated.

Something is wrong and I need advice to find a path to a solution.

You might find that path, but a problem like this takes a long time to resolve,

so you will arrive at the destination at an unknown time in the future.

Alas, having found what you needed (or not), you pack up your things and get ready to log off the Tube,

and do your best to quiet those unsure, anxious feelings about when you might finally arrive at that destination.

But before you make it out the door,

YouTube tastes blood in the water

and sinks their algo-fangs into you,

with a deadly attack of the flashiest, most amazing

1-minute musical performances you’ve ever seen,

because you searched “how to + on guitar/drums/bass”.

And you might think, God, I really suck!

Why even bother?

The moral of the story:

be weary of where you seek help!

Containers

life is just death

in a different container

Kanreki

With my recent interest on the relationship between life and death,

I’ve had the good chance to bump into the Japanese tradition of Kanreki.

From how I understand it,

Kanreki is a symbolic rebirth celebrated when you turn 60.

Perhaps my musical and personal journey is gearing me up for that rebirth?

When I think in this scope, I feel so relaxed. The anxiety to rush ahead is gone.

I’m so young, and there is so much time to embrace until I am born again!

And then once I am reborn, what will I do?

So many possibilities!

But perhaps I am being too naive.

Can an old dog really learn new tricks?

Can an old dog learn new tricks?

^ This is a terrible way to frame the question, grounded in prejudice and self-loathing.

An old dog.

What a terrible way to see yourself. What a terrible way to see others.

Where is this coming from?

What importance does age have in this case?

Why does it seem like we are always putting young age and old age in opposition?

Why when I look up the antonym of youth, the majority of words have such negative connotations?

I hope if I found this after 60, that I would still realize how arbitrary the number is.

It could be 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, etc.

There are a few people in my life who seek a rebirth,

but it doesn’t appear they think of it in those terms.

However you think about it though, rebirth is always available,

and I hope they realize that.

Though, to be fair,

easier said than done.

I have others yet in my life who think

rebirth should never be an option.

You make a choice and live with the consequences.

No change.

Ever.

How fucking sad :(

Without change we’re already death.

Not a natural death, which I feel is actually very dynamic and alive.

But a manmade death, which often starts rotting in our brains prior to natural death,

and makes us foolishly fear the thing we already are, or fear we will become.

Gosh I feel so stupid — so, here’s to stupidity!

And here’s to Kanreki!

Even though I think it’s better to celebrate a sort of Kanreki everyday,

I am nonetheless very excited for what my 60th will bring :)

Next project

I’ve had death on the mind.

Maybe someday I’ll fear it uncontrollably like a normal person,

but I’m fairly gucci with that ambiguously non-ambiguous finale to our lives!

I’d like to focus on death in a positive sense by framing it in more floral imagery,

or maybe more contradictory imagery? IDK but I’ll figure something out.

Lately I just can’t shake the feeling that death should be as beautiful as birth,

but maybe I’m wrong?

We’ll see!

But I’m pretty excited to see how it turns out.

I’ll put some pictures here eventually.

Author’s note:

Holy smokes!

I’ve been writing again, and I didn’t even need a smart phone notification.

And what I’m writing is coming from within my own head — neat!

Author’s note 2:

The thing that concerns me most frequently about dying

is that I could unexpectedly leave someone with a traumatic mess,

so here’s to a quick cleanup!

The "result"

Dang, bro!

Feeling pretty proud of myself for getting some things done.

I’m not sure what’s different, in fact, I didn’t even practice any music last week,

but I’m feeling positively optimistic.

Maybe I’m just getting better at setting priorities?

I'm not sure, part is even a bit skeptical about how I’m feeling.

Shouldn’t I be more frustrated and anxious given how I spent last week?

Hmm.

You know what, I think it might have to do with creating things.

I put it off, and sitting with idle creativity can be a real schore

Even though I’m sure everything artistic I did this past week is absolutely awful

^ That’s 100% how I would have felt before before about making things.

^And likely why that creativity was sitting in the noggin for so long.

Hmm.

I’m seeing a pattern:t you just do, and be present for the doing.

The “result” is the process and how it makes you feel throughout

Whereas putting the result in the end product has been a huge mistake!

Survival Rights©

we

are not 

afraid of AI

we’re afraid of not being able 

to survive off the things

that we find beautiful,

which AI is stealing

so that it can steal 

the survival those

things provided

us