The only way I want to do this whole endeavor is if I can truly be myself, and comfortable being that person, while the camera is rolling. This is why I initially wanted to do absolutely 0 interaction with the Twitch feed while practicing and studying, but moderation means that I will need to take a look to make sure that things are kosher. I've attempted YouTube videos before, and looking back on that experience I can see how I adopted very generic and cringy YouTuber/content creator archetypes void of authenticity despite setting out to do the opposite.
I enjoy my study days. Sometimes I'm dead focused, sometimes goofy, sometimes pissed off, sometimes motivated, sometimes ready to throw in the towel -- you get the idea, I experience a range of emotions that are all normal to have (I also go through spurts of talking aloud to myself nonstop, and other times purposefully keeping everything internal). The point is, I want to make sure that my words and actions originate from places of genuine interest and not to serve the potentiality of who might be watching or what might keep someone watching.
I suppose how I spend my time each day will naturally change as I continue down the path of musical education, but it's important for me to make sure that I'm working as hard as I can. Like assigning time appropriately according to my goals, being open to changing things that aren't working, deciding if an area needs more or less of my time, rethinking priorities and being able to leave my comfort zone when necessary. I don't want to change anything because of trolls, reading comments*, or if facing my own insecurity of embarrassing myself publicly while trying to learn a new thing.
I (gosh, how many paragraphs am I going to start with “I”) know the camera is there. The setup of my music room is designed to present a fly-on-the-wall perspective of a non-musical person's evolution into a more musically inclined one. It's a research experiment/music education I've set up for myself where the camera is supposed to play 2 main roles: accountability and audience. My time already spent recording live streams in the past has been pretty authentic, though looking back I do recognize moments when I spent more or less time on activities to either boost my self-image or avoid dramatic embarrassment when struggling with challenging tasks.
But the thing is, the biggest leaps in growth come from the worst mistakes! As an example, I like skateboarding, but you can't get better at skateboarding without taking nasty falls and breaking bones, and as someone who can't afford to break any bones, I'm fine with not taking that level of risk and being mostly a digital skateboarding consumer. However, I cannot have that mentality when it comes to music. Instead, when it comes to music, I will be taking the nastiest metaphorical diggers when it comes to attempting new grooves, theory, playing techniques, etc. As I write, this all seems like an obvious truth, but I do know that I have had moments where I feel self conscious and it's important to be ready for those moments and capable of confronting that insecurity in a healthy way.
The goal is not to turn myself into an emotionless stoic, but rather recognize and grow familiar with my insecurities while putting in the honest work to understand where feelings like that are coming from and what it means to address them (largely in order to avoid losing my authentic self, or the self that I aspire to be). I suppose an additional aspect I've touched on is also staying true to myself and not turning into what I think a potential viewer would be interested in, or putting weight into negativity that can find it's way into the chat and letting that compound other thoughts that might already be lingering in my head.
*I didn't look at the Twitch chat at all during my first go at live streaming, but if the audience grows at all I believe that I will need to take some quick peaks at it for general moderation. Up to this point, I've only really seen like one mean comment, but one can be enough if you decide to put any weight into what it says. But at the same time, I must not forget that there are also advantages to looking at chat, like how most people are very positive and encouraging and how experienced musicians share helpful advice and give meaningful, constructive criticism and feedback.
